Open letter to the jackhole who dumped a chair by my garage

Dear Jackhole;

Thanks for being the icing on our shitcake last week. I am sorry to have to say, but putting your large ugly brown recliner jutting out into the alley behind my garage was kind of a jerk move. A neighbor must have pushed it out of the road because I know you initially parked it right behind our garage and now it’s inconveniently wedged between our garage and the neighbor’s. That pissed whoever off enough to phone the bylaw officer. My neighbor got served notice first and was fairly put out, so I had some work to do to smooth out relations there.

The notice came to my neighbor’s house the day after I attempted to self clean my new oven and my house cleaners shut off the vent fan. I came into a house filled with a toxic smell and had to vent it for 2 days. It was snowing. I have two two year olds. I ended up having to dress everyone in snow suits every minute we were home and drive them around in the minivan the rest of those 2 days while my house vented out.

I have a dog that has a penchance for eating her own poop. She occasionally gets nervous and shits in the house. Rather than telling us she needs to go outside, she will just take a dump on the rug. And then she gets nervous about being found out so she tries to hide the evidence by eating it. Eventually she vomits it out, usually in multiple piles all over the place. This happened the same day we got served notice by the bylaw officer; in fact he didn’t even have to ring the doorbell because although it was snowing we had to have the door open to vent out the smell of carpet cleaner. This coincided with the oven episode, so fortunately we were all bundled up and venting the house anyway. Still, I cursed you.

Somewhere in the midst of this my son came down with a 40 degree fever and a bad cough. He busted out in a rash after we got home from a birthday party so we probably infected a whole lot of other kids. He kept me up for 3 nights aching and paining. I know this isn’t your fault, jackhole, but it certainly didn’t contribute to my well being last week at all.

Oh, and I have my own ear infection.

Now, I know you’re going to say that non of these are insurmountable problems, but the chair was a tipping point. When I got the bylaw notice I shook my fist at the universe and had a good cry, mentally shouting at you. It kind of broke me a little, and now I will be vigilant and find your identity, and I will exact an apology.

In conclusion, you are a dick.

Signed, Laying in wait.



  1. I heart you.

    I hope this week gets better! And I totally would have set the recliner on fire. Why was it put there? For parking or was it just a total dickheaded move?

    1. I heart you too! This week is already better. Especially now that I have an excellent plan for the recliner, which will be to drag it into the middle of the alley and set it on fire. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was some renters behind us who wanted to get rid of the chair but had no truck, so they just pushed it to the nearest house with a garage. Jerks.

      1. Bwahahahaha, excellent idea, just don’t get caught.
        One of the apartments we rented had a burnt out sofa on the driveway. It was lovely.

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