Everyone off my damn lawn

A large combination of things has made me very weary; renos, twins, husband working eleventy billion hours a day, colds, traveling, fucking never ending snow and rain. I am depleted. There is no compassion or patience left, even going so far as to yell at people who are trying their damndest to help me for not helping me RIGHT. Seriously, what kind of evil bitch can yell at someone for having good intentions? Me. But you know what? I am too tired to care or manage my public image right now. Honestly, I am just trying to make it through the day most of the time and at some point down the road I will probably shave my head, check into the institution and rebrand myself.  Or I will have to grovel for everyone’s forgiveness for those 8 years I was possessed by a demon. In the meantime though, I don’t have any patience for your shit.

In particular, I don’t have any patience for the following:

Childless ladies who roll their eyes and make a big production over screaming children at the mall

First of all, you’re in a mall. In the cold climate we live in, the mall is a mecca for mothers of young children who need climate controlled level surfaces to roll their kids around in all day long. And while you are superior in every way for not having children and if you had children they wouldn’t act like that, take mercy on the mother who is walking around like a zombie and trying to calm her child down. Trust me, she’s mortified that her kid is losing their shit in public and you rolling your eyes and huffing just makes you look like an asshole.

Crotchety old men

Spritually I am one of you, at least right now. Every goddamn thing is not how I expect it to be.  I know your opinions on how I should raise my children to be seen and not heard, that you’re uncomfortable with nursing in public (but totally ok with playboy magazine), that you think I should vote conservative and that immigrants are ruining the country. You get of MY DAMN LAWN. If you think you can criticize me into doing things your way you don’t realize the endurance and impervious nature of the broken down twin mom. It’s nice that when you were a kid you could eat raw meat that had been sitting out in the sun all day without getting sick or that nobody wore seatbelts or that no one had peanut allergies. But guess what? Your generation fucked up our meat supply and now it’s all filled with e. coli, and it’s not ok to let your kid sit on the armrest and break the rearview mirror with their forehead when you step on the brakes, and I don’t want to hold my kid over a bucket for 3 hrs so that you can feed them something with eggs in it.

Nice old men, I have an infinite amount of time for you. Especially ones who help me entertain my children in waiting rooms.

Home Depot

Home Depot is just an asshole, what can I say? It should not take a month to deliver a tub because they don’t provide a delivery company with my phone number and then they hire a 3rd rate delivery company that I am pretty sure is just an answering machine on a payphone somewhere. Home depot can also be taken as a metaphor for most stores with your apathetic customer service care agents and your insane return policies that only allow returns with a notarized copy of your visa statement and triplicate reciepts and a vial full of unicorn blood. I promise you that I am not trying to rip you off when I am exchanging a $3 blue hat for a red one.

Dogs

Please stop expelling body fluids of various types in my house. There are designated places for this but you are not licensed to use them. I know it’s raining outside and I feel slightly bad about that, but still, cut me a fucking break ok? You’re 5 & 7 years old and we worked really hard on that potty training thing. Also, old dog, will you please adapt to the $35 bag of food instead of the $70 bag of food? You like eating diapers. Are you really telling me that the contents of diapers are more palatable than costco brand dog food? By the way, stop eating diapers too.

Myself

Calm the fuck down, self. You are lucky; you have two healthy boys, a husband who is doing all he can to help you out, parents who are willing to jump in and do whatever you ask, money in the bank, a roof over your head, food to eat, teriffic friends, an education and opportunities galore. So stop complaining so much, take a nap and start living your damn happy life already.

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5 comments

  1. Seriously, self, get it together.

    But I ditto the big fat FU to box stores and to the freaking shitting dogs. Shitting, shedding dogs. Shitting, shedding, BARKING dogs.

  2. This latest post is “so me” right now that I had to forward it to my husband to read. Thanks for putting in to words what I couldn’t!

  3. I promise I am not always a miserable crank, just lately. Marla, I hope that you can find your way out of it… I find wine improves my mood considerably. And writing long complainy posts and passively aggressively sending them to people they’re directed at!

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