How to box a tub in 26 easy steps

We recently acquired a tub from Home Depot and it was basically an unmitigated disaster. Long story short; free shipping, tub on sale turned into backorder hell; turned into surprise delivery; turned into delayed delivery; turned into OMFG sitting in this tub feels like being in a coffin, this is not what I signed up for; turned into return; turned into me feeling happy again; turned into my contractor’s e-mail not working; turned into contractor unpacking tub and throwing everything out in the rain; turned into me having  a hissy fit; turned into husband saving the day and drying out the packing; turned into us having to pack up tub on Sunday night the day before shipping company arrives. So for those who find yourselves in this position I have developed an easy to follow manual for how to box up a tub. It’s easier than you think!

Goal Repackage tub so that package resembles the original box and shipping company can safely remove it from our house.
Challenge Cardboard has been ripped apart, warped by rain, and tub is 23 stairs above our heads, and we are both resentful of the fact that we have to do this. On a Sunday.
Opportunities None. There is a zero % chance that this will go smoothly.

Step 1 Take eleventy billion pieces of cardboard (that used to be one piece of cardboard) off our front porch.
Step 2 Get support board that was underneath tub supporting it in the box off our front porch
Step 3 Realize that board did not make it out of the garbage even though repeated requests for husband to remove it
Step 4 Look for board in dumpster, realize that it’s  one of two items now covered in tons of other garbage now soaked by a weekend’s worth of rain
Step 5 Be somewhat thankful that you bought a step stool today for other reasons
Step 6 Yell at husband because you’re mad at the world and a shitty wife
Step 7 Yell again when wrong board is removed from garbage, but mostly for reasons mentioned in Step 6
Step 8 Get yelled at because I haven’t figured out how to reverse time and make the contractor not unpackage the tub and also because of Step 6 & 7
Step 9 Silently wish that I could reverse time and never started bathroom project and developed serious love for yellow tile
Step 10 Get right board from dumpster
Step 11 Yell at dog for taking dump on front lawn at bottom of newly acquired footstool while husband is at top of said footstool and ruins a shoe
Step 12 As a couple, stare at tub in bathroom for 4 minutes in silence, both running through every curse word in our vocabulary
Step 13 Come to terms with the fact that we have to get this fucker out of here
Step 14 Get tub half way out of very small doorway before we realize it has to be stood on end
Step 15 Stand tub on end
Step 16 Shimmy tub down the hallway yelling the entire way, ass sticking out 4 ft behind you trying not to land tub on your toes, be thankful for hulk arms from carrying twins
Step 17 Place tub on board, inside cardboard infrastructure while failing to avoid stepping on staples and also failing to warn husband that this is a possibility
Step 18 Realize board is not in right place and you are not very good at teamwork
Step 19 Tape the ever-loving shit out of that thing. Waste an entire roll of tape trying to get eleventy billion pieces of cardboard resembling “original box” again
Step 20 Realize that packing tape is bullshit
Step 21 Realize that you forgot what the “original box” looked like
Step 22 Realize you don’t give a shit what “original box” looked like
Step 23 Realize that you are not destined for a career in the shipping and handling business
Step 24 Put some more tape on that shit
Step 25 Call it a day, glad your marriage survived intact and retreat to separate rooms
Step 26 Half an hour later realize your newly acquired step stool is still out in the rain.
 
Congratulations! You now have a boxed tub that looks nothing like the original and you can get a good night’s sleep to prepare yourself for a fight with the delivery company tomorrow because there’s no way they’re getting that box out in one piece and it’s totally unsafe!
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2 comments

  1. Unfortunately (or probably fortunately) my camera card was full. The tub almost fell out of the box as the delivery guy tried to maneuver it out of here. I let him get exactly 1 step outside the door before declaring it not my problem and locking up behind him. Hopefully he didn’t just give up and throw it down the front steps, but I haven’t checked.

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