Open letters to inanimate objects, or entities unlikely to respond for other reasons

Dear Peanut Butter;

You are too sticky. Fuck you.

– Maligned mother of two peanutbuttertarians


Dear Canada Post;

Those “Do not bend” stickers really mean something. You ruined a perfectly good river otter today.

– Spiritual River Otter


Dear friend of my 20 something year old neighbor who parties in the backyard every night;

I am sorry your life is so shitty and that you have to sleep on an air mattress while your roommate sleeps on “the best bed ever.” However, fireworks aren’t the answer to anything.

– Sleepless next door


Dear Ruby, of Ruby and Max,

A lot of people think you’re a bit of a harridan, but I think you’re doing a tremendous job raising Max on your own. However, there must be a lot of resources for orphaned rabbits out there. Perhaps you should look into foster care or moving in with your grandmother permanently to ease some of the burden and enjoy your youth. Rabbits are really only young for a few months tops, so stop wasting precious time.

– Concerned parent, watcher of too much treehouse


Dear Smartphones,

You are ruining my desire to be a luddite. Also, you are ruining our basic math and conversational skills.

– Still a luddite (for now)


Dear Basic Math Skills,

We need you now more than ever. It should not take a 40 minute phone call and a trip to Home Depot to figure out what went wrong. I blame the smart phones.

– Math literate


Dear Current Cell Phone,

You are not a smart phone and therefore you are disappointing. However, if you would have been delivered to me some time circa 1985 I would have both been freaked out and marveled at the amazing things you could do. I am sorry I curse at you all the time. I blame the smart phones.

– Owner of crappy cell phone


Dear Weather,

Stay glorious.

– In love with mother nature for the moment


Dear Higgs boson,

I understand you’ve been hiding for some time and that you have something to do with converting energy to mass. Can you please stop doing so at such a furious rate in my three year olds?

– The Rollergiraffe


And a special for Le Clown:

Dear Toopy and Binoo,

I have never been so profoundly grateful for something that irritates me so much. I alternately want to stab my eardrums out at the mere suggestion of your appearance and find your creators so I can wash their feet and kiss the hem of their robes. How do you make small people listen so well? Is this a skill that can be learned? Do I have to befriend a mute cat and stop wearing pants? I will do it Toopy and Binoo, if only you’ll show me the way.

– Paradoxically yours

P.S. There is one episode that starts out pink instead of blue, and it’s all my children will watch. You have also taught them to be those nerds at the movies that notice slight variations and develop a need to hoard them. How did you do that? You are wizards.


      1. RG,
        I know you only visit your own blog on weekends, one each six months, but I don’t care, I’ve blogrolled you nonetheless, cause you’re fucking awesome.
        Le Clown

          1. Roller Giraffe,
            Keep it up, next thing you’ll know, you’ll be nominated for a slew of spammy blog awards…
            Le Clown

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