While I am on the subject of things I made up, here is more mythical stuff that I wish was real.
1) The Cleaning Fairy
Obviously. I am able to wallow in my own filth for quite some time, but when you start adding 3 other human beings’ filth to the mix it’s kinda gross in here. And the laundry. Oh god, that laundry multiplies like bunnies that just got out of prison. I don’t want to confess too many of my failings as a house wife, but prison bunny laundry is one of them. I have had to throw away something that actually had mold on it at the bottom of the laundry pile. More than once. So I wish that goddamned cleaning fairy would come around and take care of a few things.
See also: Yardwork Fairy, Garage Cleaning Fairy, Washing machine that dries and FOLDS your clothes (cannot stress the folding part enough), Stud from my made up handyman business “Men without Shirts”
2) Time machines
Regret is a tangible and palpable thing in my life. I wouldn’t use the time machine to stop JFK from getting shot, to stop Chernobyl, or give da Vinci electricity and advance science by 500 years or anything sensible. I would just go back 3 or 4 minutes at a time to deliver all the right comebacks. And I would un-waste all that time I spend looking for my goddamned keys every day.
Because flying is bullshit. And because I would like to spend my evenings on the Mediterranean (I am assuming, I have never been there, but it seems like it might be nice) without having to pack up all my shit at my house and move there. Plus I could transport myself home from the bar on Friday nights and bypass Chicken on the Way (seriously, Hungry Man dinner at 1 am for $5.99. Who can resist that?). This might actually extend my life by 20 years.
Seriously, the Food Network is cruel and unusual, isn’t it? In an era where we’re raised to believe that everything is DIY, I somehow think I can pull off all that fancy shit I see on TV. I buy the stupidly expensive brand name pans, the ridiculously expensive ingredients, the special cut of grass-fed, grass-finished beef and slave over all that shit for three days. And then my husband misses dinner because he is late from his Very Important Job and my toddlers refuse to eat anything but peanut butter straight from the jar and lock themselves in the bathroom with it while they binge, and I am left eating a lovingly crafted meal for 4 by myself, salted with my own tears. And it’s all Food Network’s fault. If they just had the taste-o-vision already I could just have a couple of bites and I might fit into my goddamn pants for more than one season.
5) Computer breathalyzer
If I had one of these I wouldn’t have nearly so many regrettable moments of trying to win the internets.
6) One card to rule them all
My wallet is busting with bank cards, credit cards, membership cards, licenses, discount cards, gift cards, phone numbers, business cards, health care cards, insurance cards, sentimental shit like ticket stubs. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I can’t ever find the one I need, or remember the pin number or the password or whether it’s current, or at my old address or new address or my old name or new name or for my kids or my husband or a family pass, or just me and the kids or JUST FUCK IT ALL. Will some enterprising individual just put a chip in my eyeball already and get it over with?