Six things I wish were real

While I am on the subject of things I made up, here is more mythical stuff that I wish was real.

1) The Cleaning Fairy

Obviously. I am able to wallow in my own filth for quite some time, but when you start adding 3 other human beings’ filth to the mix it’s kinda gross in here. And the laundry. Oh god, that laundry multiplies like bunnies that just got out of prison. I don’t want to confess too many of my failings as a house wife, but prison bunny laundry is one of them. I have had to throw away something that actually had mold on it at the bottom of the laundry pile. More than once. So I wish that goddamned cleaning fairy would come around and take care of a few things.

See also: Yardwork Fairy, Garage Cleaning Fairy, Washing machine that dries and FOLDS your clothes (cannot stress the folding part enough), Stud from my made up handyman business “Men without Shirts”

2) Time machines

Regret is a tangible and palpable thing in my life. I wouldn’t use the time machine to stop JFK from getting shot, to stop Chernobyl, or give da Vinci electricity and advance science by 500 years or anything sensible. I would just go back 3 or 4 minutes at a time to deliver all the right comebacks. And I would un-waste all that time I spend looking for my goddamned keys every day.

3) Teletransporter

Because flying is bullshit. And because I would like to spend my evenings on the Mediterranean (I am assuming, I have never been there, but it seems like it might be nice) without having to pack up all my shit at my house and move there. Plus I could transport myself home from the bar on Friday nights and bypass Chicken on the Way (seriously, Hungry Man dinner at 1 am for $5.99. Who can resist that?). This might actually extend my life by 20 years.

4) Taste-o-vision

Seriously, the Food Network is cruel and unusual, isn’t it? In an era where we’re raised to believe that everything is DIY, I somehow think I can pull off all that fancy shit I see on TV. I buy the stupidly expensive brand name pans, the ridiculously expensive ingredients, the special cut of grass-fed, grass-finished beef and slave over all that shit for three days. And then my husband misses dinner because he is late from his Very Important Job and my toddlers refuse to eat anything but peanut butter straight from the jar and lock themselves in the bathroom with it while they binge, and I am left eating a lovingly crafted meal for 4 by myself, salted with my own tears. And it’s all Food Network’s fault. If they just had the taste-o-vision already I could just have a couple of bites and I might fit into my goddamn pants for more than one season.

5) Computer breathalyzer

If I had one of these I wouldn’t have nearly so many regrettable moments of trying to win the internets.

And finally,

6) One card to rule them all

My wallet is busting with bank cards, credit cards, membership cards, licenses, discount cards, gift cards, phone numbers, business cards, health care cards, insurance cards, sentimental shit like ticket stubs. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I can’t ever find the one I need, or remember the pin number or the password or whether it’s current, or at my old address or new address or my old name or new name or for my kids or my husband or a family pass, or just me and the kids or JUST FUCK IT ALL. Will some enterprising individual just put a chip in my eyeball already and get it over with?


  1. RG,
    It boggles my mind that you are not followed by a legion of depraved bloggers, zombies, and cleaning fairies.
    Le Clown

  2. Oh my – number six is my personal dream. At first I thought the key chain cards were good, now I have like 8 – there is a limit!

    1. I know, right? And there are stores that give you a card and won’t keep your personal information so you have to carry that damn card with you everywhere. It makes me insane. Or maybe it’s just evidence that I shop too much.

  3. I’m one of the depraved bloggers Le Clown mentioned. He spoke highly of your blog (which is high praise indeed), so I thought I would come visit. And don’t tell Le Clown I said this, but he was right, your blog is good stuff.

    Cleaning fairies would be pretty swell. I could keep them pretty busy. And time machines and teleporters really need to be invented NOW.

    1. Welcome, welcome! Is it wrong that I give out a little squeal of delight when the orange box lights up? Thank you so much, and I am rushing over to check out your blog as well. Maybe in my time machine.

      1. No, because I get more excited than I should when I see that little orange box too. I can feel all the dopamine receptors in my brain go berserk when that happens. So you’re not alone.

    1. Thank you! I have been reading your blog as well Nay, really great stuff. for anyone who is interested in women’s issues and dislikes the religious right. One day when I finally get my blogroll together it will be there.

  4. RG, you come highly recommended from Le Clown and he was right. This is HI-larious stuff here and I’m so clicked on LC’s link to you. I’m right there with you on the time machine that goes back a few minutes (witty comebacks come to me long after I need them) and the card thing. I give up. The frustration you describe is spot on. Brilliant funny stuff here. Thank you — wonderful stuff for a early Saturday eve.

  5. I, too, am here courtesy of Le Clown’s beneficence. I LOVE your list – and so wish everything on it were real. Especially the tele transporter – but then, I’m a closet Trekkie and have been fantasizing about that one for a long time. And me? Love the orange box, too!

    1. Well really, trekkie or not, the teletransporter has to be the best uninvented thing ever. After thinking about it though, I would probably just transport myself to Chicken on the Way more rather than bypassing it. Terrible. Welcome, and thanks for reading.

  6. Son of a bitch, Le Chuckles was right (how did that happen?): you are a crack-up. I demand a DNA test, as I think our brains were separated at birth. I’ll see your Computer Breathalyzer and raise you a Coffee IV.

    1. Welcome! What’s the first thing you’d do if you had a time machine? I would go and unlearn all the Olympics results and sit on the couch drinking beer all day without knowing them. Sitting on the couch drinking beer all day knowing the results wasn’t as much fun.

      1. LOL, sounds like a crafty use of the time machine if you ask me. πŸ™‚
        I would go back and land on the door step of the boy band The New Kids on the Block (any of them)… get them drunk… and take advantage. Lots of liquor involved.
        And that would simply be the beginning. Hahaha
        Glad to have found your blog through Le clown, I look forward to reading more.

  7. Leave it to Le Clown to guide us to another GREAT blogger! And yes I get butterflies in my tummy (almost like the ones I USED to feel before sex) when I see that orange box light up…but feel so neglected when it isn’t! I’m glad I found you (yes, yes, Le Clown, you ARE magnificent) and I will be back for more! (#1…The Cleaning Fairy… made me giggle…been there!)

    1. (almost like the ones I USED to feel before sex) made me laugh! Mr. Giraffe was less amused. That’s because he doesn’t have a blog; he doesn’t know how gratifying the orange box is. Welcome!

  8. I heart you and this entry. And hurry the hell up on getting “Men without Shirts” up and running. I am tired of unsexy, sweaty people (me) fixing every freakin’ thing around this place! πŸ˜‰ Jo

    1. Fixing things is sexy as hell. At least that’s what I keep telling my husband, but he doesn’t buy it. Hence, Men without Shirts. I think it would be a big hit. Thanks for reading!

  9. All essential items. A direct text to brain transfer would also be handy to read all the blogs I follow and catch up with my homework … That has to be number 7! There is just never time to read everything I want to, but perhaps the other 6 above may make this possible. Nice to meet you, thanks COF again for directing traffic!

    1. That would be handy. At least for the boring stuff like homework or on occasion when I have to read some technical manual or boring journal article. Nice to meet you as well! I hope you enjoy πŸ™‚

  10. Dude– computer breathalyzer? Fuck yeah. A fridge breathalyzer would be rad, too. Drunkenly eating an entire wheel of smoked gouda is ALWAYS the best/worst idea.
    Awesome post (and blog)!!

    1. Thank you! I think the fridge idea is even better than the computer breathalyzer. At least internet fights can be entertaining, but there is nothing entertaining about that much cheese.

  11. Since there is no Computer Breathalyzer, I just keep the only time I ever drunk-blogged on my desktop as a constant reminder that chemical dependency may have worked for writers like Ernest Hemingway, but it sure as hell doesn’t work for me.

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