Yeah, ok, so the Rollergiraffe is all sad and shit but I also have lots of times where I am not being all melancholy, just straight up crabby. Like most of the time. And during that time, I realize that I either have to have a funeral for all my old pants or I have to go and work out. So I work out, because it’s the lesser evil than sitting in a change room
crying getting philosophical about pant sizes. While yoga makes me all introspective, deep water workouts are strictly to get my heart rate up for some other reason than yelling at Fox News.
Deep water workouts are the best. It’s like dry-land aerobics, but you don’t sweat (or maybe you do but it goes into the pool, which is really fucking gross now that I think about it), the instructor can’t really tell when you’re half-assing it because you’re under the water, and you are probably the youngest person there by about 50 years so you’ll look like a superstar. I choose all my sports by whether I am going to be able to excel compared to everyone else, so that leaves things dominated by the elderly. I am going to take up lawn bowling next.
But it still must be a good workout because it feels like I am in there for fourteen days when it’s really only forty-five minutes and the next day I feel like I am ninety-seven years old. I am not sure how that math works. It could be that I am really, really out of shape.
I have an incredibly short attention span, so I notice a lot of things while I am bobbing around in the water for fourteen hours at a time. Here are some of the mysterious revelations I have made:
1. I have to pee.
No matter how much I have dehydrated myself or how many times I have gone to the bathroom ahead of time, my bladder will fill the second I get into the pool. It’s physics. And that is most of what I will have to think about for the next hour because I am afraid that the instructor will ask me a question over that headset microphone dealie and then everyone will know I am going to take a whiz. I’d rather just tell the internet.
2. Young, hot dudes hang around with their shirts off.
I can only applaud this. And I would if I didn’t think it would get me kicked out.
3. Old and/or crazy dudes also hang around at the pool, in various forms of undress. Sometimes Speedos.
This is also fine, except that I have learned the hard way to avoid the guy who talks about his manicure invention all the time. I think he believes the hot tub is the Dragon’s Den. But I am pretty sure you wouldn’t wear a Speedo to the Dragon’s Den if you wanted them to take you seriously.
4. Every goddamn song in the universe has been remixed.
I can’t even find the remixed version online, which is evidence that it shouldn’t have been done in the first place if no one cared to monetize it. Let’s be honest, the internet has pretty low standards for monetization. The instructor probably had to special order it from K-Tel. At any rate, I don’t need a dance beat to keep me motivated. Dolly Parton is more than enough.
5. People do not take that showering before entering the pool shit seriously.
I think about this when I am cross country skiing in someone else’s oil slick of perfume and makeup. Lady, it is not worth it to try and keep your face on when it’s melting into the goddamned pool, ok? Shower. Except don’t be like that other lady who is sits cross legged on the floor in there to do her thirty minute ablutions, because that is kind of creepy. And unhygienic.
The rest of the time, I am usually thinking about Chicken on the Way and gin, because I like to undo all the good work I have done so the universe remains in balance.